Well I have thought about blogging for sometime, but always seem to find what I want to say and what I can say are two very different things. As time has worn on I have decided to just go for it.

I have a name but I am not going to post it here, this will allow me to freely talk about the topics and the thoughts that are clogging my mind. For conversation sake you can call me DW.

Yes I am a writer, but here grammar can suck it. This is going to be a free flow of thoughts and ramblings as they occur in my head. If you have an issue with that stop reading, I don't care. If no one reads this blog I also don't care. I want to use this forum to talk about me, my feelings, and my thoughts. They are not affected by grammar so neither will this blog.

I am 35 years old and have suffered from depression my whole life, I was abused as a child having endured physical, mental, and sexual abuse before I was even ten. These things have made me who I am, and while I may not like what I have become it is who I am. I have tried everything I can think of to help ease the depression from drugs, both prescription and illegal, to drinking, to random sexual encounters, to therapists, to isolation and video games. Nothing seems to help. The only thing that has ever given me self-worth is my writing. So this blog is not so much a cry for help from the internet community but a forum for me to write out my thoughts and feelings as a way of dealing with it.

In the last few weeks I have started feeling more and more isolated from the rest of society. I try to interact and engage with people who have indicated that they are friends with me, yet so much is going on I find that when I need to just talk to someone, there is no one there. At least not one who I can be completely honest with and tell them the exact way I feel. I have been the 'strong one' in my family. They look to me as the one who has overcome so much and is still fighting for what they want, that to tell them the level of emotional distress I feel these days is not something they could grasp. The last time I tried, they didn't understand. The little things that have begun to affect me are nothing in the grand scheme to what I have overcome, and they don't seem to understand that I am tired. When you have been fighting your whole life there comes a point where you don't want to fight anymore.

I look at my friends who see me as the quiet person, who doesn't talk much about themselves, yet who is always there to listen and help as much as I can. I've tried on a few occasions, reaching out to them, trying to explain what it is I am feeling. But they too see me in such a different light that it is almost as though they can't fathom I have these emotions or the low self-esteem.

So rather than let it bottle up until I once more have a breakdown and am hospitalized I am going to use this forum to write. Take it how you will, if I am even able to have one person read this and feel similar to me I feel this endeavour was worth it. Well that's it this time, next time may be longer, may be shorter only time will tell.

DW